Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
