i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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