I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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