...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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