my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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