I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
