Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
