I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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