So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
