I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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