it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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