Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
