Three words: puerto rican gang bang
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
