Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
