tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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