She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
