I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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