Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Randomize
