I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
this boner is exhausting
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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