Hey man sorry I got all grabby
that's an acceptable place to lick
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
