Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
