seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
