I'm going to rape someone's good day.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
