I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
