Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
