Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
People in love make me want to vomit
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
worst night to have a conscience
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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