Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
