You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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