My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
