He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
