"it" just moved
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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