I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
