no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
