I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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