the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize