I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
