The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
