You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
