when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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