i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
