Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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