meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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