Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
