i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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