A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
