I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
