Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize