I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
