did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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