I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
