The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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