I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize