you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
