Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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