Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
