Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize