Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
