I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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