im gay
i know
yea but for you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
