eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
