I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Success! We fucked roommates!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
