Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
