her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
