Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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